Social Anxiety

 I can't recall if I've done a post on my social anxiety yet, but after speaking with my mother today I think I've found the source of it from my past, and it's basically exactly what I thought it was. 

You see my mom and I were talking a little about my dad and how he has a hard time connecting with people and I made a comment about how that's basically how I am and that I must get it from him. I have a hard time trusting people and talking to people and connecting with people. Basically I just don't like people. All because of my social anxiety. My mom made a comment that was a little something like "that wasn't how you always were. You use to love people. It wasn't until those 2 girls... I can't even think of their names right now. But it wasn't until they did what they did to you that you became that way".  I instantly knew who she was talking about and I've always thought the same thing too. 

You see back when I was about 10 years old these girls who had been my best friends for 3 years suddenly turned on me without a warning. One day we were as close as sisters, the next they were rude to me, making fun of me, ignoring me. Basically not caring a shit about me. They turned on me so suddenly I didn't know what to do or how to feel. They even accused me of stealing plastic horses from them, when in fact they'd given them to me- but that's besides the point. 

These girls went from my best friends in my life to the worst bullies I ever encountered- and I dealt with quite a few bullies in my life. They stuck a knife so far in my back and twisted it until it broke me. I didn't know what to do. 

I had no friends to turn to or talk to. My sister wasn't at the same school as me so I couldn't find consolance in her and my brothers didn't care about their sister enough at that age to help me. I was lost. I was alone. And I began to build walls up. 

Those walls stayed up for a very very very long time. Those scars they left me with remain with me to this day, as I still have a hard time trusting people and believing they will be there for me no matter what. It's funny how something that happened to you so young, something that seems so silly and meaningless now, can have such a big impact on you as a person. I honestly don't know if I will ever get over what they did to me. I certainly don't think I could ever actually forgive them. 

Honestly, I keep waiting for the day I run into one of them, as there is only one still in the area. She knows my sisters boyfriend so there's a possibility I could meet her again one day. And I wonder what I will do if that happens. It's hard to say. I've thought about sending her a random message but will she remember me and what she did? Possibly, possibly not. It's hard to say whether I had as big an impact on her as she did me. Some days I want to, but to be honest I'm scared of what would come of it so I probably never will and that's okay. 

I don't know what the future holds in terms of my anxiety- maybe one day I'll get past it and learn to trust people more.  But I doubt it. And I'm perfectly okay with that as I'm happy with my life that way. I don't need a ton of people surrounding me, I don't need to talk to everyone I meet. I'm happy with who I am and who's in my life. If I was that social person I wouldn't be me and I wouldn't have the life I have now- and I wouldn't trade who I am or the life I'm living for anything.  

Till next time

Nessie <3