What is a friend

I have a complicated view on friendship. I see so many people in my life with these friends they’re so close with, they get together and drink wine and just talk. Or they call each other up to catch up. Or they go out shopping, for lunch, always laughing and taking pictures and just having a good time. 

For me, I always feel a little bit awkward when I get together with friends. I feel like I don’t belong. Like I don’t know what to say. And I wish it came easier, like it did when I was younger. The laugher, joy, simple-ness of friendship. 

I see friendships like my sisters, where they get together often, and just sit around talking easily. She’s got friends from 10, 15, even 20 years ago that she still talks to, laughs with, and loves like it was the day they met. They have thousands of memories together, and even though they may live apart, they’re still as close as if they were neighbours. 

I see my coworker with her friends, going out for drinks or to the movies on a Tuesday night. Hardly taking pictures but still having stories to tell, stories that make is obvious they’re close. They go on vacation together, or rent a cottage. Anything to spend a bit of time together. 

Then there are the friends I see who leave random messages on Facebook wall, send memes, or funny videos. Simple comments to say “this reminds me of you. I miss you”. 

There are my internet friends who have inside jokes among each other, who clearly talk to each other outside of our group chat. Who laugh, and joke, and seem to get along so much better than I do with them. 

And I see all of this and compare my friendships to theirs and I question... do I even have any friends? Do I have someone to call up at 2am when I’m feeling lost or lonely? No. Do I have someone to go to movies with when I’m feeling bored, and I need a break? No. Do I have someone to go to concerts with? Take trips with? Even drink wine with? No. I don’t (let’s just ignore the fact I don’t drink wine, okay?). 

Sure, there are those who I speak to, I try to give advice to. I get together with the few times a year we can. 

But when I look at friendship collectively, and analyze what it means to me... I have a hard time calling anyone my friend. Maybe it’s a personal issue with myself. Maybe I cant trust myself enough. Maybe I don’t think I’m good enough to be anyone’s friend, and that’s why I don’t see myself with any friends. Maybe it’s my anxiety. Maybe it’s the fact I prefer to be alone. I don’t open up to people or talk about my problems.  

I’m a very lonely person. I’m a very private person. I feel like what I have to say doesn’t matter, so I don’t say nothing at all. I feel annoying when I discuss my problems because my problems don’t matter much. I feel embarrassed for wanting to discuss myself because nobody really cares about what I have to say, do they? 

But at the same time I wish I had that one friend I could call a best friend. That one person, at least one person anyway, who really cares about what was going on with me. Who really wanted to be with me, see me, spend time with me. One person who texted me out of the blue to ask me how I’m doing, or to catch a bite to eat, or even just to come over for an hour just to hang out. A person I can look back on and laugh at our memories, reminisce about the good time, sing songs from the past. A person who accepts me for who I am and calls me out when I’m acting like a bitch. A person I can get angry at, and forgive within seconds, because petty fights aren’t worth losing our friendship over. A friend I’d call godmother to my daughter. A friend we’d play board games with on a Friday night, while ordering pizza. 

A face does come to mind when I think of someone like this, but that face is my sister. And while I love our relationship and how close we are, in the end she’s my sister. Not that that means she can’t be my best friend but it’s not the same, as having someone else come into your life, someone you meet because of your shared interests, someone who decides they want you in their life just as much as you want them in yours. 

But I doubt it’ll ever happen. I’m a horrible judge of character. And people judge me way too fast, too. 

So I’ll go back to accepting that I’ll never have that sort of friendship. After all, how will I ever meet someone to fill such a spot in my life? I’m 28. I don’t go out. And I’m terrified to people. Doesn’t leave much room for a best friend, now, does it?