Wedding woes

Weddings are a beautiful, magical thing. Watching two people promise themselves to each other for the rest of their lives, having them choose you to witness- or be part of- their day is probably one of the most honourable things. 

I was part of one special wedding a few weeks back. My sister asked me to stand by her side and be a bridesmaid while she married the man of her dreams. It was blissful. It was chaotic. But it was amazingly beautiful. I loved being part of it. 

I got to see a friend get married last night. A friend I've known since high school. A friend I haven't always been close with but who I've tried to reconnect with over the past few years. A friend whom I love, even if I don't say it. 

And if I'm honest with myself I wish I were part of it, and not just as a witness. But up there, beside you, in a beautiful dress holding a beautiful bouquet of flowers as you pledge yourself to the man you love more than anything. 

You may be reading this, and I hope you understand why I've never said anything to you, nor will I. But it's something I feel I need to put down. If only by words. 

Last night I listened to stories about you from your childhood and from the past few years with your new husband. And while I agree with them all and they're all very true and about you, I felt like there was part of the story missing. There were no stories about you when I really knew you. In high school. I wanted to share those stories. Laugh with everyone. Tell them what a goofball we thought we were. 

I wanted to tell everyone that even though we had some dark times, and that our friendship was a roller coaster that crashed and burned before being reborn from the ashes, we had somehow found our way back to each other and that we were able to pick our friendship back off where we left it. 

I envisioned myself up there with you, eyes welled up with tears as you made your vows, clapping, and hugging, and getting hundreds of pictures taken. Getting ready before the ceremony, laughing, maybe crying, and calming your nerves. 

I wanted to be a part of it all. 

I don't know if it was you who wanted a small wedding party, or if it was something you both chose. Maybe he didn't have a lot of really close male friends to stand by his side. Maybe you were still unsure of me. Whatever the reason is, you should know that if you'd asked I would have said yes. 

But then again I go back and think about my wedding. If I could do it all over again, and choose my bridal party in present times... would I have asked any of you to be my bridesmaids? Sure we're friends again, sure we hang out as often as we can. But we aren't nearly as close as we were in highschool. 

I often wonder what would have become of us if we never stopped being friends. If my stupidity and stubbornness, (and let's not forget my anxiety)- if I hadn't let those things affect a friendship that I should have treasured... what would have happened? Would we be like my sister and her friends? Communicating when you can and getting together when you can, and acting like no time has passed? Drinking wine, laughing at our stupid past, and just being adults? Because we don't exactly do that. We get together as often as we can, but we don't drink wine and gossip- we just hang out. Which is fine, don't get me wrong! Let's be honest, I don't even drink! But there's something different about the dynamic of our friendship to others I see. 

But I don't have a lot of friends. In fact I can probably count on one hand how many friends I do have. Sure I have acquaintances, there are people I knew in the past whom I may call a friend in passing but I've never really talked to in a while. Or seen. Or hung out with. Are they really my friends then? 

I think I just have a hard time defining what a friend really is because my whole life those who I called friends deserted me, or hurt me, and it's left me closed off and unable to make connections with people. I'm constantly afraid of getting hurt. So it's easier not to make those connections with people. 

But that leaves a person very lonely. And when these events happen I get jealous of those friendships I witness. Like my sister with her friends, seeing and hearing all the stories about her and them- I don't have any of that. 

And even listening to your bridesmaid last night. I don't have a friendship like that either. And I'll admit I'm sort of jealous that she has that relationship with you, because if we hadn't crashed and burned, that could have been us. Maybe not, but when I look back at how close we once were, I really do wonder if that would have been me. 

I understand why you didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid. I don't deserve it in any way. But I guess I couldn't help hoping you'd put the past behind you and think about how long we'd been friends and maybe, just maybe, you'd have chosen me. 

But who am I kidding. I know I haven't impacted your life in any special way big enough to earn the honour of being by your side. And the fact I was invited to witness your marriage is enough for me to be thankful. 

And I am. I am very thankful I got to be there. And so happy to see you as so happy. I know the two of you are going to have a strong, long lasting marriage. 

But I am kinda bummed though because I don't think I'll ever be in another wedding. I was a bridesmaid for my sister, and that's probably the only wedding I'll ever get to wear a beautiful dress for.