An Open Letter To You

You may not remember me, and if you do you probably don't care to hear from me, but we were once good friends. Sure we were young kids, I think it's been about 15 years since we last spoke, but I'll admit to thinking about you from time to time. That probably sounds strange considering everything that hapened, but I think the fact that our friendship ended so strangely, at least to me, left me with something to think about.

I'll admit that for years I held on to this grudge, this hatred even. I had been hurt and I was confused. I didn't understand what I had done to you to make you dislike me so. I had thought I was a pretty good friend. If I remember correctly we use to think of ourselves as sisters even. I spent so much time at your house, and I have so many good memories with you. Even now, 15 years later I enjoy looking back on them.

I remember you teaching me to ride a horse, bare back. I remember you teaching me how to swim; I was terrified of going in your pool because I had never had lessons. But with perseverance and encouragement I learned. I can even remember the barn, how at the top there was a little club house. We had some good times.

But than something changed. I don't know what happened. I just remember getting on the bus one morning and offering you crackers (or cookies... I don't remember which one). You wouldn't speak to me, ignored me, and when I kept bugging you ,you got annoyed and eventually went to the principle about me. You didn't want anything to do with me after that day.

I admit I may not have handled things well the next year or so before you moved away, and any time you came back to visit. And I apologize for anything I may have said or done, to you, your sister, and anyone else in your family. It was a long time ago, and I'm not the same petty and immature person I was back than.

This may sound silly to you but I was changed by everything that happened. It affected my self confidence, it affected my ability to be outgoing and make friends. I developed Social Anxiety and I was lonely for a while; I made the wrong friends because I was just looking for companionship. And that just diminished my self esteem even further until finally I found three girls I could call my best friends. It wasn't that easy for me to forget about what had happened to me though. I was still affected by it, I still held a grudge, I still felt such negative emotions towards you.

But I was finally able to let those feelings go about two years ago. It seems ridiculous that it took so long but I had to do a lot of soul searching, looking at myself, in order to let those feelings go. I've learned a lot about myself these past couple of years. Letting go of ridiculous childhood grudges was one of the steps I had to face in order to truly feel happy and confident with myself. There was no point in dwelling on the past anymore.

And it wasn't just you I've thought about either. I've thought about your sister. She was a part of all of this as well. But when I look back it's you, for some reason, I remember more. It's you I feel I was closer to.

I'm writing this not to look for a response, not to expect any sort of explanation or apology or any of that. As I said you probably don't remember me, and if you do you probably don't care to hear from me. I'm writing this simply for myself. It's the last step in letting go. I've thought about doing this for a while, even clicked on your page a few times but never had the guts. I still don't, to be honest, but I figure I have nothing to lose. The worst that can happen is you don't read it, or you don't respond, or you could respond harshly, but (and forgive me for assuming) I'm guessing you aren't immature enough to do so, even if its your first instinct.

And if you feel the need to share this with your sister I'd understand. At the same time I would understand if you found it pointless. I would also totally understand if you read all of this and delete it without a second thought. If the situation was flipped, and it were you messaging me, I'd be surprised and unsure of what to say, or even if I wanted to say anything at all. I won't be offended either way.

I'm going to end this by saying I hope you're happy. I could very well be wrong but your profile picture makes me assume you are engaged (it looks like an engagement picture anyway) and if that's the case, congratulations. If it's not, than I apologize for assuming so. Whatever the case, I hope your life has been, and continues to be everything you've always wanted it to be.