Will it ever happen...?

It's only been 5 months since my miscarriage but already I'm in the doubtful phase of "will I ever get pregnant again". The first time it happened was sort of on a whim, not intended but not mistaken either. But I was so incredibly happy.

When I lost that baby I lost a piece of myself. I didn't know it at the time but as time has gone on something is different inside of me. Something is wrong. Something is missing. And I don't like it. 

I'm trying to fill that void by getting pregnant again, but of course it's not happening. Largely because my husband has a low drive (he'd kill me if he knew I said that). Plus he doesn't seem to understand that it's all in the timing. I've tried to tell him, again and again, that it has to be done during a certain time of the month. But he doesn't believe that. He doesn't get it. It's frustrating. I keep trying to get him in the mood during those few day of fertilization but it always seems to fall through. I fail. I can't do it. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. 

I just want to be pregnant again. I just want to have a baby. Despite what Jeff thinks I know we can do it. I know we can work something out. We can afford it and still save for a house. Millions of people do it, so why not us? I just wish he could see things the way I do. I Wish he understood how I'm feeling. But he thinks in okay. He doesn't realize how much I'm still affected from the loss of my child. Yes, I was only 10 weeks when I got the official news. But that doesn't matter to me. That was my child. My baby. And I lost it.