Being a mother...

A lot has happened since I last posted on this blog. As you know from reading previous posts, the one thing I ever wanted out of life was to become a mother. And I almost had that chance last year but it was sadly taken away from me. For months I thought a piece of me was missing, that a hole had been placed inside of me, and nothing could fill or fix it. I was terrified to have sex, scared I'd end up pregnant again and have my baby taken from me again. However, in September of 2015, I took a pregnancy test and found out I was indeed pregnant again. The entire pregnancy I was on edge, petrified something bad would happen. Every little thing had me worried. I knew I wouldn't be able to go through that again. But nothing bad happened. And in December, when I was nearly 20 weeks pregnant, I found out I was having a little girl, which was exactly what I wanted. Still I was scared there had been a mistake and that she'd come out a boy. But that didn't happen. Nothing bad happened to me during my pregnancy, it was too easy, I felt too good during the whole thing, which is why I shouldn't have been surprised when I ended up having to be induced because of IUGR (Intrauterine growth restriction). This meant that my little girl wasn't growing at the rate she should have been, that my placenta had stopped growing and giving her the proper nutrients she needed. If she had stayed in longer something bad could have happened. So at 37 weeks 4 days, my little girl came into the world.

On April 27th, at 9:48pm, after 7 hours of labour, Roselynn Kathleen Karkheck made her appearance. She was 5lbs 7.5oz and 18 3/4 inches long. Small, of course, but perfect. The feelings I felt when I first saw her, heard her, and held her are indescribable. Instant love, there's no doubt about it. If you're a mother you know exactly what I am talking about. There are no words I can say that would explain it. It's something you have to experience for yourself.

Because Roselynn was so small we had to be careful about how she ate. It's very normal for a newborn to loose a bit of weight when they're first born, as the colostrum that comes from the breasts before milk is purely nutrients and no calories. She dropped down to just about 5lbs, which was still good, and after 2 days in the hospital (in which they kept her to monitor her sugar levels- all of which came back good), we got to take her home. We were having difficulties breastfeeding though as she couldn't get her latch right, so I was told to hand express into a medicine cup and feed it to her that way. A consultant came and explained everything to me- sadly I misunderstood what she said. For a day and a half I unintentionally starved my daughter. I felt like the worlds worst mother once I figured it out, I bawled my eyes out. You see, the consultant had given us a paper that explained how much she should be eating each day, but she circled the information for how much she should intake per feeding, and I read that as what she needed a day. It seemed like so little, but I thought that's what she meant. So when I couldn't get Roselynn to latch, and I knew she had her 30ml in form of expression, I thought she'd eaten enough. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she kept screaming until she passed out. It was heartbreaking.

That Sunday though, May 1st, we had a follow up meeting with a consultant to see how Roselynn was doing, and at that appointment we found out that my beautiful daughter had lost an entire pound since she was born 4 days before. She wasn't getting enough to eat, and her sugar levels were down. She also tested positive for jaundice, and was borderline to be readmitted in the hospital. Again I felt like a failure. My daughter was now sick, and had lost so much weight, and it was entirely my fault. Again I bawled my eyes out. She had already been at the hospital for 2 days, I didn't want her there another day, especially since there was a possibility it would be without me. But luckily we had an appointment booked that next morning already with a public health nurse and so we also made another consultant meeting and they let us go. I was given strict orders to pump and bottle feed every 2 hours, regardless if Roselynn was awake or not. In those 12 hours, over night, Roselynn gained half a pound and her jaundice levels had gone way down! I was ecstatic. But she was still having problems breast feeding. I saw the consultant twice more that week, each time Roselynn was gaining and gaining, until she was finally at her birth weight again by the Friday. But she still wouldn't latch. I gave up trying to breast feed and began to exclusively pump and bottle feed. By Roselynn's one month appointment, which was the last time she was weighed, she was up to 7lbs 7oz- 2 whole pounds from what she was at birth! And she's still gaining!

I can not tell you how scary it is to be a mother. I thought the worry throughout pregnancy was bad, but when you're a mother it's 24/7 worries- is she eating enough, wetting/dirtying enough diapers and does it look right, is she sleeping too much or too little, is she breathing, will she stop breathing while she and I sleep... and this is only the first 7 weeks, I can only imagine what the next 17 years are going to be like. But despite the constant worry, the exhaustion and tiredness from being up half the night and dealing with a fussy baby, the lack of food, lack of showers, and lack of a social life- I wouldn't trade it for anything. Being a mother is tough, but it is still everything I want. Roselynn has only been in my life for 7 weeks, but already I can't imagine my life without her anymore. She's got me wrapped around her little finger, she's become my whole world.

Being parents are tough, you lose time with your partner that you always use to have and took for granted. You don't always sleep together anymore, its hard to find time to be intimate, and sleep deprivation can put you on edge and cause a few arguments- but being parents is also the most rewarding and wonderful thing in the world, and if you're strong enough you'll get through it, and be better partners for it. It's been hard for my husband and I, in my opinion. Some nights I don't sleep in bed, some days we don't kiss as often as we used to, or hug, or even get the chance to cuddle. We have yet to have sex, no matter how badly either one of us wants it-  I mean who can find the time? And sometimes I get frustrated with how little it seems he's doing, even though I know it's harder for him than it is for me and he's doing the  best he can. The first few months are the toughest as baby gets use to this whole new world they've been brought into. But it will pass, and you'll forget how tired you were and how hard it was.

Being a mother was all I ever wanted, and now I finally am one. I'm tired, some days I stink because I hadn't showered in 2 days, and the dishes and laundry pile up while my apartment is a mess. But it's all worth it. She's all worth it. And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Until next time,
Nessie <3