A little bit of rambling

Why hello there,

This is my fifth blog on this site, however I have neglected each one I ever started. I have various topics covered in them, one is full of my poems and songs, another is from reviews, and the other two were for me, myself and I. However, over the years I've found myself leaving them behind, forgetting about them, letting them turn to dust. I've decided I don't want to do that anymore.

My cousin is my inspiration to starting up a new blog, one that is open and honest. Will I have her guts to share it on Facebook for my family and friends to see? Probably not. However I will be posting it to my twitter, and I'm hopeful I will continue this even after my inspiration has gone away, because I constantly have things on my mind. Something I have to say. It's not always important for me to tell those around me, but it's always there in my head, and I usually turn to Twitter and Tumblr to get it out. Not any more. That's what this is for.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If I'm honest with myself, I feel like something's wrong with me these days. I'm not technically sad, but I'm not always happy. That's not to say I'm not happy with life, because I am. I'm very fortunate to be where I am, with a man who loves me as much as I love him, enough to marry me and make me his wife. I can tell you one thing that's bothering me... I want to be a mother.

Now a lot of people say that's natural after you get married, that it's an instinct woman get after the ring goes on the finger. That's not the case. I have such a deep love for children, it's part of the reason I work with them. Those children I work with, all 30 of them enrolled in my center, are like my children to me. I've watched so many of them grow from the age of 18 months to where they are now. I've been an active person in so many of their daily lives. It honestly saddens me to think of the fact that my little monkey, JB, will be going off to school in September and I may never see him again. Although I love all the kids I work with, little JB, my monkey, has a very special place in my heart. From the day he started at CCP, I fell in love with him. I've been his teacher for almost 3 years now. I've watched him grow, learn to talk, learn to use scissors, learn to ride a bike, throw a ball. I've watched him grow up, from that tiny toddler to such an adorable, and sometimes troublesome, preschooler who will be going to kindergarten in 5 very short months. And then he will be gone and I will never see him again. There will be other children of course, but he was my first, and it will be like saying goodbye to my own child.

That's part of why I want a baby so badly. I don't want to have to say goodbye. I don't want to only see them 8 hours a day, I don't want to be called "Karkheck", I don't want temporary love. I want the whole package. I want to be called "mommy" and to know my child will always be mine. I don't want to say "see you tomorrow" at the end of the day, or "goodbye" when they turn 4/5. I want a child to love, and to hold, and to cherish. To take cute pictures with that I can show the world and not keep hidden on my cellphone. To be able to teach them things, not as a student, but as my son/daughter.

I want a child that I can call my own.

I know so many people these days with babies, and it saddens me each and every time I hear about it. Because I want that. No one ever considers how I feel when I hear the constant question of "are you pregnant?" or "when are you having a child?". It pains me, it kills me inside, each and every time. And the problem is, I have no control over it. It's all Jeff, however, he is in such an uncertain state that I'm honestly a little worried of the day I do become pregnant because, no matter how much I know he does want kids, he also wants the house first, and that could take a while still.

And if I'm going to be really honest right now, I'm crossing my fingers, hoping and preying that I am currently pregnant... the last time we had sex, it was at about the time of ovulation/fertility... if the calender is right it would be the perfect time for me to have gotten pregnant. But each time I do this, I get my hopes up, and when my period comes, I get slightly depressed and upset because it didn't happen.

I know everything happens for a reason, and at the time it's supposed to happen. I just wish I wasn't burning with the need to have a child right now... then it may be easier for me to accept the fact that our life may not be ready yet to bring a bundle of joy into it. It's just so hard to wait for something you desperately want.

Until next time.