What I learned this past year

Yesterday I turned 25 and today I find myself reflecting back on the things I learned this past year. During the time I was 24 I did a lot of self reflecting and self realization. I wanted to know as much about me as I could. Here are five of the biggest and most important things I learned. 

1. The first thing I came to realize about myself was my social anxiety. One day I was going through some old Facebook messages and I kept seeing a pattern in them- each and every time a friend asked me to hang out I made some convenient but lame excuse (no ride to or from was the popular one, along with no money). As I read through these messages I kept wondering to myself 'why did I always make excuses when I know I really wanted to go'. And the answer came to me: I was scared. But scared of what? People? Hanging out? Social situations? All of the above. And than it hit me: Social anxiety. Was it such a thing? Yes, according to Google, it was. Did it apply to me? Yes, according to the quizzes I took, it did. 

Since I learned this I recognize the familiar symptoms and signs of my social anxiety- racing heart, blotchy skin, dry mouth and nervousness. I'm trying to over come this but it's slow. I've stared with agreeing to social situations with friends I'm close with and will slowly work my way towards social situations with strangers (ie parties), but that may take a while. 

2. The second thing I realized in my twenty forth year was how to forgive and forget. I'm terrible at holding on to grudges and not letting people live things down. I hate that I do it though. This past year I was forced to make a choice- forgive and forget and let friends come into my life, or hold a grudge and be miserable forever. I chose the first option, it seemed like the one that would make me the happiest. And all I want in life is to be happy. I am so happy I made this choice. It's not worth it to hold onto something that happened years ago, when we were younger. We've all changed, we're different than we were than. So why not let a petty fight go? 

This ties into my next point. 

3. The third thing I realized was how to be a friend (or at least I think I've finally realized this). Reading through those old messages made me realize how bad a friend I had been in the past, and it was no wonder I lost those I once considered my best friends. I was rude and selfish, I would talk behind my friends backs. I wasn't a very good friend. I felt so bad about all of it. I didn't want to be that kind of person. I wasn't some immature teenager anymore, I was an adult and it was about time I started acting like one. I decided that, if they ever let me back into their lives again, I wouldn't let them down. I'd talk to them when they had problems. I'd be kind and selfless (while still trying to be true to myself). I'd be the best friend I could be, do whatever I could to make these people happy. I'm trying my damnedest to be a good friend now because that's what they deserve, especially because they did let me back in. 

4. I learned how to make time for myself without feeling guilty about it. I would write if I wanted to write. I'd shop if I wanted to shop. Read if I wanted to read. It's important for a person to have hobbies that's just for them, alone time is important for your well being. You need to learn to be comfortable being with the one person who matters more than anyone else in the world. No I don't mean your mom, partner, or child. I mean you. 

On a related topic you need to learn to love yourself too. I try my hardest to feel comfortable and confident with who I am because that's the way I was made. It's not always easy, and some days I still feel insecure and lose some self esteem. But I'm trying and that's all that matters. 

5. The last thing I learned was how to brush off the little irritations in life. Again it's not always easy, and sometimes I find myself getting upset and emotional to the point of crying (I am a sensitive and emotional person after all), but for the most part I try to let it go and move past it. If all my husband wants to do is watch TV (boring!) than I'll grab my book and curl up next to him. If he won't do the dishes? Grab a cloth and start washing, otherwise they'll just pile up. Drinking? Grab a movie and watch it in the bedroom, getting some much needed alone time. I'm trying to find a compromise, because it's not worth it to get upset and angry over the small things. Sometimes I slip and I do get angry, I'm only human after all. But I'm trying. And if there's one thing I learned from all of these things it's that as long as you're trying you can't fail. Hop back up on that horse and try again. 

I loved being 24, but I know my 25th year has a lot in store for me as well and I'm so excited to see what it is. 

Til next time,

Nessie <3