Holidays with a baby

Going on holidays with a baby is a lot different than I anticipated. When I was asked about going away to a cottage for a week with Roselynn I didn't think it would be any different than going without, except for the fact that I now had a baby. I knew I'd have to feed her, I knew I wouldn't get as good a sleep as I would otherwise, and I knew I'd have to watch her. But I also thought I'd have a bit more help. I did not think about the fact that my companions would be drinking the entire time. I did not think about the fact that the house was at least 50 feet from the water and I didn't have a monitor. I did not think I'd feel like I was missing out on most of the trip. 

Don't get me wrong, no body is making me feel this way, I'm feeling like this all my own. The fact that I don't drink, regardless of the fact that I'm breastfeeding, doesn't help either. Yes they may be understanding of my situation, but I still feel secretly judged: for going to bed at 8, for not having a drink, for not joining in activities and sitting inside at times. No, no one has said anything, and I don't expect they would. I'm a mother of a 4 month old, I'm not expected to be like the rest of them. But it doesn't make me feel any differently. 

I feel left out, not only about activities but even just between the other two girls- my sister and her friend/coworker. They have this bond, they seem very much a like and I am not like either of them. Something as small and simple as my sister braiding her hair and the next day braiding Carissa's, and not even thinking to offer me (not that I wanted it done, my head hurts when my hair is styled) upset me. It shouldn't have but it was again something they did that I couldn't do (my hair doesn't braid easily anyway). 

I don't regret the trip, it's nice and relaxing, peaceful even. And I am enjoying myself. I'm having a good time. I want to be here. But being here without my husband, with two other couples, where they drink all day and don't have the, for lack of a better word, burden of a child (not that I think my daughter is a burden to me at all. I love her dearly), makes things a little difficult. Maybe I'm just being emotional today; I hope that's the case. I don't want to feel this way for the rest of the trip, it's only Sunday night and we don't leave til Friday. 

It's just so easy for them to hop in a boat and go away for a little bit, while I'm stuck sitting on the deck while my baby sleeps. I'll admit I'm a little jealous. I don't think even my sister thought about the fact that it wouldn't be easy for me to do things with the rest of them. She's not a mother. She doesn't understand how hard it is to find free time for yourself. 

But I'm going to try to make the most of this. I'm gonna take cute pictures with my daughter (if she'll cooperate), I'm going to put a smile on my face, and enjoy myself. I'm on vacation and I'm not gonna let stupid small things bother me. 

I hope anyways. 

Til next time

Nessie