Deprivation of the worst kind

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. In fact, if I'm honest with myself, I've been feeling kinda sad. Lonely. Insecure. On edge. Paranoid. Unwanted. Unsexy. Unloved. 

Broken. That's the word. I've been feeling broken lately. 

You see, my husband and I haven't always had the most intimate and passionate relationship. We love each other, of course, but lately I've been feeling disconnected from him. And I think a lot has to do with the lack of intimacy between us. 

We don't have sex. Like ever. Before I was pregnant with our daughter we had sex about once a month, and as much as I hated it because I wish we had it more, I now sort of miss that. Because now I'm lucky if we have it once every six months. 

While I was pregnant with my daughter he was afraid to touch me. We tried having sex once when I was a few months pregnant but he got freaked out a little because there was a baby inside of me and therefore he shouldn't be. And then after we had her I had to recover, and then time just sort of got away from us. The first few months are so difficult that you don't realize how fast time goes by. My daughter was born April 27 2016, and the first time we had sex after her birth? November 1 2016... about a year  after we tried to have sex while I was pregnant and 3 months after the last time we had actually had sex, which was when I conceived our daughter. You want to know the next time we slept together? June 25 2017. And then again July 6 2017, and I thought that was a good thing. Things were looking up. We'd got that passion back, that connection. He wants me again. But I was wrong. Because today is February 27 2018 and that day was the last time we had sex. 7 months ago. I know this because I keep track of it on a fertility app that I use to track my period. 

I often wonder if he still finds me attractive. I often wonder if he still wants me. I know he loves me, but is he still in love with me? My naked body doesn't seem to do much for him these days. And, funny enough, the few times he's feeling "frisky" enough to want to do anything, guess what? I'm on my period. It's like he has an internal clock keeping track of things subconsciously because I wasn't even going to say anything to him last month, just to see what would happen. And the first day of my period you know what he tried to do? Touch my boobs to start things. I just sighed, pushed his hands away, and rolled over saying he was "out of luck" while secretly wanting to cry myself to sleep. Because he always only seems to want me when he can't have me. 

I love my husband. I really do. But I feel like something is missing between us. But I don't think he feels any of it. He claims he doesn't have a drive, but will jerk off because it's "easier" and requires less energy, because he's so tired after working 2 jobs. Which makes me feel like I'm not worth the effort. Yes sex isn't everything in a marriage/relationship but it is something. It's something important. You have to keep the other person feeling wanted. Needed. Loved. It helps keep the passion alive. Keeps that intimacy flowing. 

But not everybody sees it that way. And what hurts the most? As soon as I put our daughter to sleep l, hoping we may just get some alone time, he goes and disappears into the basement to watch a movie or TV show. He doesn't even think of the fact that I may want a bit of alone time with him to try and get things started. And then he asks me why I don't want to go down to the basement with him. But what good would it do? I hate that room. I really honestly do. I despise it. I never wanted it to be a hide away, a "man cave". I wanted a play room for our daughter. A large space for her to roam. But he got his way. As usual. 

So I've given up. I don't feel sexy anymore. I don't feel wanted anymore. I've lost the small amount of confidence I once had in myself. And although I trust my husband 100% I often wonder if he's found another source for sex. Do I think he'd ever actually cheat on me? No. But I can't help but think it's a possibility sometimes. Because why else would he never touch me? Why else would he not want to fuck me? Why else would he seem so content on not having sex with his wife for 7+ months? You'd think that after so long he'd be begging for it. That any little touch would get him going. But no. 

Maybe I'm just highly sexually deprived and that's why I'm feeling this way. But I honestly question sometimes if I may be slightly depressed. I don't feel happy like I use to. I don't feel like smiling. I have a shorter fuse. My temper rises easily. My emotions seem all over the place sometimes and all I want to do is yell at my husband to fuck me. But I shouldn't have to beg him. 

Besides any time in the past I've tried to seduce him it's failed and I've basically lost all confidence in myself to do it. I don't wear sexy things for him anymore. I don't sleep naked for him anymore. And forget about trying to make a move by kissing him, because I honestly don't even think I could do it if I tried. My husband was my first everything- first kiss. First time. First love. And because he was my first I am highly inexperienced in a lot of ways. I don't know how to initiate a kiss and I feel embarrassed whenever I want to kiss him but he doesn't get it and pulls away or asks me "what?" when I linger on his lips. I feel like a child in that department. So I don't even try anymore. 

I don't try at anything anymore. And I hate it. I fucking hate feeling this way. But I've told him before how I feel and he gets guilty, says he'll try harder, but then the cycle starts and nothing ever comes of it. 

So I give up. I give up on trying. I give up on everything. Because I'm tired of it. Tired of feeling this way. Tired of crying. Tired of hoping. Tired of being let down. 

I'm just done. 

Nessie<3