Every time I make a blog I tell myself I'm going to keep it updated and every time I fail. Maybe it's because social media has become an easier way for me to express myself in different ways, whether it's through pictures I've reblogged on tumblr or tweets I've retweeted on twitter. Whatever the reason I begin to neglect the blog I so desperately want to keep. That is until something happens that I just need to write about. That time has come.
On Janurary 27 2015 at roughly 12:18pm I took a pregnancy test that resulted in a positive sign. I can not express the absolute joy I felt at that moment. I was at work at the very end of my lunch break and knew I couldn't tell anyone, no matter how badly I wanted to. I knew Jeff had to be the first one I told. It was difficult for I was seeing my dad later that afternoon to clean out my old car (which had died on me but that's another story) but I made it through the day and afternoon without telling a soul, and when I got home I shared the exciting news with my husband. To say he was a little freaked out is an understatement but he seemed happy enough which was a relief to me because I was a little worried about his reaction. We called his mom and shared the news with a few other people, being sure to mention I was only 5 weeks and still very early. Everyone seemed happy for us.
That Sunday I had lunch with my mom and sister, buying a cute little bib and writing a note that said "For when you babysit... Grandma" to give to my mom as a means to tell her (this was her first grandchild after all). My mom was so excited for us.
Monday I shared the news with my dad in the same way, except the note said Grandpa. He nearly cried at the news. I told my bothers, my sister, my grandmother. I wanted to make sure nothing was officially stated until after my first doctors appointment on March 5th but my dad spilled the beans announcing that he was going to be a grandpa on facebook and everyone knew. But everything seemed to be going so well! Until it wasn't.
Fast forward to February 26th at 5:15am when I typically get up for work. I went to the bathroom like I always do when I wake up to find a little brown spotting whenever I wiped. I was freaked out: there wasn't suppose to be anything there! This wasn't normal! So I texted my mom who replied saying "should be okay but if you're really worried call the doctors when they open". So I did what any normal person would do in the 21st century- I turned to google! Google assured me that spotting could be normal and that there was a vast list of reasons for it. I began to feel better, felt the weight leaving my shoulders as I convinced myself it wasn't a big deal, everything was okay. I was so wrong.
I continued to spot for several days, the discharge remaining a brownish colour, until that Sunday, March 1st when I found the colour changing slightly to a more of a pink/red colour. I still convinced myself I was okay, everything was okay. It was normal. I didn't want to believe anything was wrong. Monday was the day I realized maybe something wasn't normal, especially when the spotting changed from being there when I wiped to a little flo, as if I was on my period. That's when I began to panic. But still I ignored it and didn't do anything about it.
The next day was the same as the last; blood when I wiped (for I could no longer convince myself it was simply spotting) but it wasn't just blood, there were clots. Clots are a very bad thing while pregnant and it was at about 6:00pm that I called my doctors after hours office in tears, terrified something was wrong. My husband was sleeping and, honestly, I was afraid to wake him and tell him my worries. He had changed the past few weeks from a scared man to an excited one. I didn't want to tell him something may be wrong. So I talked to the nurse and she advised me to go to the hospital if I was worried and they could do some tests and possibly an Ultra Sound to determine the cause of the bleeding. The thing was though I had no cramps at all during those days. So I still tried to convince myself there was an alternate reason for everything. I wasn't cramping so I couldn't be miscarrying.
About half an hour later my husband woke up and could tell something was wrong so I told him that I'd talked to the nurse about what I was feeling and that she said I should go to the ER. Jeff said that if I really wanted to go we would, but that he thought I was okay. I convinced myself to stay. I was fine. Nothing was wrong as long as I wasn't cramping. A little later I got up to pee- the bleeding seemed to have slowed down and I let out a breath of relived. Not even a minute later though I got up again, feeling like I had to poop. I didn't, but a lot of blood came out- a lot of clotted blood. I began to cry. I couldn't deny that something was wrong. So we went to the hospital.
We checked in at 10:20 pm. I did a urine sample, they took blood. And then we waited. And waited. And waited. We got into a room, and then we waited. And waited. And waited. Finally a doctor came and he tried to do an ultra sound with the equipment in the ER but because my bladder wasn't full he couldn't see much. They decided to schedule me for an official ultra sound the next day at 7:45am and I was able to go home. It was 1:30am by the time we got home. Clearly I wasn't getting up for work so my supervisor had to open and I had to be up at 6:30am and drink 1L of water for the Ultra Sound. Jeff had to work so he couldn't accompany me, which may have been good, but at the same time I could have used him there.
I was at the hospital from 7:30am until 12:30pm, getting to work for 1:00pm (but I left at 4:15pm- you'll know why soon enough). I got the Ultra Sound done, than was sent back to the ER to wait for my results. A lot happened in those 5 hours. I found out my blood type- which is 0negtave. I also found out I was RH negative, which only 20% of the population is. This means that my blood is incompatible with RH postive blood (which is likely what my husband was) and that it isn't good for the baby's blood (most likely positive as well) to mix with mine. This meant I had to get a needle to prevent the blood from mixing.
Than I finally got my Ultra Sound results.
My results showed that I was 7 weeks along (when I should have been 9 and a half). There was no heart beat detected and no placenta formed. The hospital thought I had my dates wrong (although I knew I was 100% correct). They requested I have a follow up Ultra Sound in a week to see if there was any further development and since I had my scheduled doctors appointment the next day my doctors office could handle that.I went to work, feeling upset but trying to remain optimistic that the baby was just developing slowly, but deep down I knew that wasn't right. I knew my baby had stopped growing. My suspicions were confirmed later that day when I began to cramp- they weren't painful in any way but now I know that that was the night I lost my baby. I even left work after only 3 hours because I was feeling nauseous from it, but still I tried to believe everything was okay.
Rather than the normal prenatal appointment I should have had at the doctors that next day she advised me to have 3 blood tests, 2-3 days apart to test my hCG levels (the hormone level in your blood which detects pregnancy). If the baby was developing at the expected rate my hCG level should double every 48-72 hours and these tests would give me results sooner than the Ultra Sound. So I had blood taken that day, that Saturday, and again the next Tuesday. They called me Monday, March 9th to inform the that the results from the previous two blood tests showed that the levels had dropped, but that they could level back out so to continue with the tests. My Ultra Sound was scheduled for that Thursday.
I went to the Ultra Sound and I knew something was wrong. The tehnicians aren't legally allowed to share information with you, however I was peeking at the screen trying to see something, but I couldn't see much on it. Bur during one of the Ultra Sounds (for I had 2- a regular and a vaginal) she let it slip that "I don't see anything" or something along those lines, and than tried to cover her slip up by saying that "we were talking about your bladder" (which we were but it didn't make sense to say that in response to what we were talking about). I suspected than exactly what the results would be.
A few hours later my doctors office called me at work. I thought they were calling about the Ultra Sound results but it wasn't, they were just informing me that my levels had dropped again from Tuesday's blood test. I knew than what news I would get when they got the Ultra Sound results. Sure enough the next morning I got the call saying that the Ultra Sound showed no sign of an embryo. They wnated me to do another blood test to check my hCG levels because they had to be back at 0, otherwise I may have had to have a D&C to clean out my uterus. It took 2 more blood tests for my levels to go down. I than had the task of informing everyone that I was no longer pregnant. To say my heart was shattered and broken would be an understatement. I was devistated.
And to be honest I still am. But the thing is I haven't cried since that day I actually began to bleed. I don't know if it's because I'd already accepted it had happened before officially getting the news, or if I'm simply stronger than I give myself credit for. Whatever the reason is the fact remains I haven't really grieved the loss of my child. Me, the person who wants a child more than anything in the world and lost it- I had exactly what I wanted in the palm of my hand and it was taken away from me before I even got to hold that child in my hands, before that child got to grow and live. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, but it sucks sometimes not knowing what that reason is.
I know we can always try again, and my husband wants us to. He admitted to being so excited that now he wants it. He really does. The problem is I'm scared. I'm scared to have sex. I'm scared to get pregnant. I'm scared to lose my child again. I don't want to go through this a second time. I may not be as strong next time. But I want a child and if I'm going to have one I'll have to get past this fear.
I've had my period (or at least I think it was my period) which means my body has healed itself quickly and is on track to being ready for another pregnancy. I hope that's a good sign, that some way my body is telling me that everything is going to be okay next time around. All I can really do is hope.
The month of March was probably the worst month of my life and I'm very pleased it's over. April is here, which means the warmer weather is on it's way. And I simply can't wait.
I have only one word of advice for every woman out there looking to get pregnant and it's this- get your blood tested for your RH factor. Knowing which you are may save you a lot of heartache, we don't know the exact cause of my miscarriage but it's possible it was because of the RH factor; had we known I was RH negative I could have got the needle sooner and possibly saved my child's life. So please, get tested and know what you are.
Til Next Time,
Nessie <3
