Social Anxiety

 I can't recall if I've done a post on my social anxiety yet, but after speaking with my mother today I think I've found the source of it from my past, and it's basically exactly what I thought it was. 

You see my mom and I were talking a little about my dad and how he has a hard time connecting with people and I made a comment about how that's basically how I am and that I must get it from him. I have a hard time trusting people and talking to people and connecting with people. Basically I just don't like people. All because of my social anxiety. My mom made a comment that was a little something like "that wasn't how you always were. You use to love people. It wasn't until those 2 girls... I can't even think of their names right now. But it wasn't until they did what they did to you that you became that way".  I instantly knew who she was talking about and I've always thought the same thing too. 

You see back when I was about 10 years old these girls who had been my best friends for 3 years suddenly turned on me without a warning. One day we were as close as sisters, the next they were rude to me, making fun of me, ignoring me. Basically not caring a shit about me. They turned on me so suddenly I didn't know what to do or how to feel. They even accused me of stealing plastic horses from them, when in fact they'd given them to me- but that's besides the point. 

These girls went from my best friends in my life to the worst bullies I ever encountered- and I dealt with quite a few bullies in my life. They stuck a knife so far in my back and twisted it until it broke me. I didn't know what to do. 

I had no friends to turn to or talk to. My sister wasn't at the same school as me so I couldn't find consolance in her and my brothers didn't care about their sister enough at that age to help me. I was lost. I was alone. And I began to build walls up. 

Those walls stayed up for a very very very long time. Those scars they left me with remain with me to this day, as I still have a hard time trusting people and believing they will be there for me no matter what. It's funny how something that happened to you so young, something that seems so silly and meaningless now, can have such a big impact on you as a person. I honestly don't know if I will ever get over what they did to me. I certainly don't think I could ever actually forgive them. 

Honestly, I keep waiting for the day I run into one of them, as there is only one still in the area. She knows my sisters boyfriend so there's a possibility I could meet her again one day. And I wonder what I will do if that happens. It's hard to say. I've thought about sending her a random message but will she remember me and what she did? Possibly, possibly not. It's hard to say whether I had as big an impact on her as she did me. Some days I want to, but to be honest I'm scared of what would come of it so I probably never will and that's okay. 

I don't know what the future holds in terms of my anxiety- maybe one day I'll get past it and learn to trust people more.  But I doubt it. And I'm perfectly okay with that as I'm happy with my life that way. I don't need a ton of people surrounding me, I don't need to talk to everyone I meet. I'm happy with who I am and who's in my life. If I was that social person I wouldn't be me and I wouldn't have the life I have now- and I wouldn't trade who I am or the life I'm living for anything.  

Till next time

Nessie <3

My saint anything experience

With the release of Sarah Dessens new novel "Saint Anything", we learn about a character, Sydney who feels invisible to the world. She's young, she's shy, and she's going through a lot of family drama. There's one person who she isn't invisible to though, and hasn't been for a while it seems. Ames is Sydney's brothers best friend and he's promised to take care of his friends little sister while Peyton (the brother) is in jail. Everyone see Ames as a sweet guy willing to help everyone out. But what they don't know is how uncomfortable he makes Sydney feel. Ames is a quite a few years older than Sydney, and it's clear to her he has something more than protection on his mind when he's around her. 

Upon release of this novel Sarah took the opportunity to share a story about her younger years, when she was in a similar situation to Sydney. And after reading Sarah's story I wanted to share my experience as well. 

When I was 16/17 years old I felt like the third wheel in my group of friends as they all had a boyfriend and whenever we'd hang out and their boyfriends were around I felt left out and lonely. They decided they wanted to help me out by introducing me to a cousin of their boyfriends. The problem was this guy was 23 years old. 

The day I met him I felt weird and awkward and very uncomfortable. I have social anxiety so meeting people and being around strangers is hard enough for me, but when that stranger happens to be a guy nearly 7 years older than you, who you met with the intention of the two of you "getting together" it makes the whole thing a lot worse. I was unsure of myself, and him. I honestly didn't like the idea of "dating" a guy so much older than me, and to be honest it felt a little creepy, and weird, and gross to be around a guy in his twenties who wanted to be with someone so young. But I talked to him, sort of, and he wanted us to "give it a chance". I let my loneliness and vulnerability speak for me and I agreed. 

We honestly didn't hang out much as he actually lived 2 hours away. If I can recall correctly (as I've tried to block a lot of this time from my brain) we only really hung out once, and that was to go for a walk with my one friend and her boyfriend where we went to the park. We "kissed" (if a peck on the lips is considered kissing- which I don't really count) and it felt weird and wrong to me. I didn't like it. It wasn't right. A few days later I broke up with him over text message, as I wasn't planning on seeing him again for a while. The whole thing last about a week. 

A little while later I heard a rumor he had been fooling around with a 16 year old girl in a hot tub and I knew I made the right choice. I still don't know if this rumor was true or not, but regardless I feel better knowing I didn't pursue something that made me feel so uncomfortable. 

Let's fast forward to when I was 19. I met this guy through a friend of mine. He worked at subway, and would give us free subs. He was cute, funny. He loved to flirt with us. And he smelt so good (I loved whenever he gave me a hug). I didn't know how old he was but if I had to guess I would have thought he was 21 years old as he had a boyish look to him and, let's face it, he was slightly immature. I began to develop a crush on him. Than I found out he was 26 years old. 

Finding out he was 7 years older than me made me relive what had happened a few years before, and I withdrew myself from him. I Ignored my feelings, but continued to talk to him and accept the free food he offered me. I denied my feelings for him for a long time- 4 months. 

During those 4 months he made his feelings clear to me and one day he asked me out. I denied. Said I didn't like how much older he was than me and thought it would be weird. He pursued me for a few months, trying to convince me to go out with him. When I finally let down my walls to him, and let those feelings shine through, I realized how much I actually liked him. Finally I agreed to a date. 

Needless to say it was the best decision I ever made. This guy didn't make me feel weird and uncomfortable, on the contrary he made me feel safe and happy. I enjoyed spending time with him. I didn't get a sense of wrongness from him, it felt right. And now we've been together for 5 years and married for nearly 2 of those. I couldn't be happier that I had let this guy in to my life. 

But you have to look at the differences here. Before I was a young girl in highschool, unsure of myself and what I wanted. And he was a 23 year old who wanted to be with a teenager (creepy much?) When I met my husband I was older, wiser, and more mature. I was in college, I knew where I wanted my life to go. And I had gained experience from what had happened years before. And him? Well he was a young guy who was just looking to have some fun, but ended up falling in love. 

It's sort of funny how these things work. 

The only advice I have for young girls is trust yourself and your instincts. They're a lot more accurate than anyone gives you credits for. 

Till next time

Nessie <3