Am I a feminist?

I've been hearing a lot about feminism and what makes someone a feminist. Mostly I see these things on tumblr, mainly thanks to Taylor Swift who has declared herself one. And it got me wondering... Am I a feminist?

From my understanding feminism is, in a nutshell, believing in equal rights for me  and women, rather than the male dominated world we currently live in. As a woman I do believe we should be equal to men. What makes a guy so special? Why are they seen as the "leaders" of the world while women are seen as the "supporters". 

I go to google and type the word in, and this is the definition they give me (thanks to Wikipedia). 

1. Feminism is a range of movements and ideologies that share a common goal: to define, establish, and achieve equal political, economic, cultural, personal, and social rights for women. This includes seeking to establish equal opportunities for women in education and employment.

Sounds fair, right? So in all I would say, yes I'm a feminist. But what bothers me is that people think that feminism has to be broken into different types. I don't know a lot about it but one thing I have heard is "white feminism" which, from what I've heard is basically colored women saying that white women don't understand feminism because we have it easier than they do. My problem with that is that once race or culture comes into play it is no longer a case of feminism... It's racism. Why pick battles with women because "white women" have it easier than they do. That's not our fault. That's society and cultures. It shouldn't be a battle between women. So stop pitting women against women when it comes to feminism. 

On another note- I'm not an active feminist. I'm not crazy and over excited about the topic; it's like religion- I believe there's a God but I don't flaunt and express the fact. It's enough for me to believe we deserve to be equal but I don't need to push others into it or rub it in their face. That's why people hate feminists. Too many people get way too into it, yelling and screaming, and turning people off from us. I don't want to be one of those. 

I get offended by the "women in the kitchen" jokes or the assumption that women can't do certain things. It's wrong. Women can do anything a man can do and I wish they would begin to see that. 

Sadly that's all I have to say really. 

Til next time

Nessie <3

Will it ever happen...?

It's only been 5 months since my miscarriage but already I'm in the doubtful phase of "will I ever get pregnant again". The first time it happened was sort of on a whim, not intended but not mistaken either. But I was so incredibly happy.

When I lost that baby I lost a piece of myself. I didn't know it at the time but as time has gone on something is different inside of me. Something is wrong. Something is missing. And I don't like it. 

I'm trying to fill that void by getting pregnant again, but of course it's not happening. Largely because my husband has a low drive (he'd kill me if he knew I said that). Plus he doesn't seem to understand that it's all in the timing. I've tried to tell him, again and again, that it has to be done during a certain time of the month. But he doesn't believe that. He doesn't get it. It's frustrating. I keep trying to get him in the mood during those few day of fertilization but it always seems to fall through. I fail. I can't do it. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me. 

I just want to be pregnant again. I just want to have a baby. Despite what Jeff thinks I know we can do it. I know we can work something out. We can afford it and still save for a house. Millions of people do it, so why not us? I just wish he could see things the way I do. I Wish he understood how I'm feeling. But he thinks in okay. He doesn't realize how much I'm still affected from the loss of my child. Yes, I was only 10 weeks when I got the official news. But that doesn't matter to me. That was my child. My baby. And I lost it. 

Compliments

I've noticed something I do when someone complements me. I say "oh! Thanks!". In a surprised sort of way. Always "Oh!" Like I don't deserve it, or I'm shocked you're saying it to me. 

I've been thinking about this for about a week now and trying to come up with a reason why. I still haven't. 

It's like I don't know how just to say "thank you" with a smile. I always have to add that "oh!" Into it. Maybe it's a sign of insecurity. Although I'm fairly confident in myself as a being, I'm not always sure how other people will see it. Do I care what others have to say about how I dress or what I do? Honestly I don't. But I guess some part of me is surprised when they actually agree with me about something. Like a shirt. I may love the shirt I put on, and when someone says "I like your shirt" I go "oh! Thanks. I got it at... *insert store name*". I can't just say "thank you". 

I think another part of it is that, to me, it sounds conceded to just be like "thanks" because it makes you sound like you're saying that you know it's nice. You know you look good in it and don't need anyone to tell you you do. I don't know. Maybe I'm overthinking this- actually scratch that. I KNOW I'm overthinking this, but I just find it so interesting that I can't just say a simple thank you to someone. I always have to have that "oh!" At the beginning. 

Til next time,

Nessie <3

2 years

 Monday marks our two year anniversary as husband and wife. It's hard to believe time has gone by so fast. A lot has happened this year, but I think the biggest thing was my pregnancy and miscarriage. 

Tradition states that the second anniversary be cotton. I bought my husband 2 shirts... On says I love titties and beer, the other says "this is my six pack" and has a six pack of beer on it. I also got a shirt specially made for him. Hes a big SOA fan and has wanted the plain white Samcro shirt that Jax wears on the show. I've been looking but found it nearly impossible to find. Luckily my cousin helps make shirts so I sent him a picture of the shirt and asked him to make it. I'm anxious to give Jeff that especially. 

I also decided that, since I wrote a love letter last year to him I'd do it again this year as sort of a tradition. Since I gave an excerpt last year, here's another... 

"I'm not always an easy person to be with but you stick by me through my worst of times and I can't tell you enough how much that means to me. I never thought i would find someone willing to do that, but you do. It takes a strong man to handle such an intensely emotional person, like myself. I pray that never changes because I don't think I will ever find someone so willing to be with someone as unstable as I am."

This year we are celebrating our anniversary on Saturday by going to Wonderland :) can't wait!

Til next time,

Nessie <3